lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
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The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?