I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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