I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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