good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
