can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
