If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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