You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
