I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
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I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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