She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
