You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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