Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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