true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
