I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
