If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
