I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
