Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
