Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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