barbara walters just said penis...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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