So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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