I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
