I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
