YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
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We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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