i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
