dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
