There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
