The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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