i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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