when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
