just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
