I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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