No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
