I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
