Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
