Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
