I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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