grandma shit on top of the toilet
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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