I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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