the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
