Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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