Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
