OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
