I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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