oh god the rape fog is back!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
