my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize