Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
