"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
