It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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