my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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