just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
