If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
