You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
