dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
