my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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