She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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